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A 


FARCICAL PRESCRIPTION IN 
ONE DOSE 

BY 

Erastus Osgood 




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Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 

SUCCESSOR TO 
DICK & FITZGERALD 


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PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY 

J5 CENTS EACH 

w 

CBANFORD DAMES. 2 Scenes; 1^ hours, ....s.. ............. 8 

GERTRUDE MASON, M.D. 1 Act; 80 minutes.. ....«,,*. .o.. T 

CHEERFUL. COMPANION. 1 Act; 25 minuteB..».,=.......c^ 2 

LESSON IN ELEGANCE. 1 Act; SO minutes 4 

MAIDENS ALL FORLORN. 3 Acts; IJ^ hours................ 6 

MURDER WILL. OUT. 1 Act; 30 minutes. .,-.»,,.»«..,..., o... e 

ROMANCE OF PHTLLIS. 8 Acts; 1^ hours.......... 4 

SOCIAL. ASPIRATIONS. 1 Act; 45 minutes...., » 8 

OUTWITTED. 1 Act; 20 minutes ,c... 8 

WHITE DOVE OF ONEIDA. 2 Acts; 45 minute* 4 

SWEET FAMILY. lAct;lhour 8 

BELLES OF BLACKVILLE. 1 Act; Shourg 80 

PRINCESS KIKU. (85 cents) 18 

RAINBOW Ba:MON A. (85 cents.) 2 Acts; 1^ hour • f 

MERBY OLD MAIDS. («5 cents.) Motion Song, 11 

PLAYS FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY 

15 CENTS EACH 

APRILFOOLS. 1 Act; 80 minutes ., 8 

BYRD AND HURD. 1 Act; 40minntes , « 

DARKEY WOOD DEALER. 1 Act; 20 minutes.... 8 

WANTED, \ MAHATMA. 1 Act; 30 minutes................ 4 

HOLY TERROR. 1 Act; 30 minutes .,............*...... 4 

MANAGER'S TRIALS. 1 Act; 1 hour ,. « 

MEDICA. 1 Act; 35 minutes..... , f 

NIGGER NIGHT SCHOOL. 1 Act; 30 minutes ....,,.... « 

SLIM JIM AND THE HOODOO. 1 Act; 30 minutes........ 6 

WANTED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. 1 Act; 30 minutes ft 

SNOBSON'S STAG PARTY. 1 Act; 1 hour 12 

PICKLES AND TICKLES. 1 Act; 20 minutes.. . , 8 

HARVEST STORM. 1 Act; 40 minutes 10 

CASE OF HERR BAR ROOMSKI. Mocli Trial; 2 hours... 28 

DARKEY BREACH OF PROMISE CASE. Mock Trial. 22 

GREAT LIBEL CASE. Mocls Trial; 1 Scene; 2 hours 21 

RIDING THE GOAT. Burlesque Initiation; 1 Scene; 1^ hours 24 

FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORP'N, IS Vesey St., N. Y. 



DR. UMPS 

'A FARCICAL PRESCRIPTION IN 
ONE DOSE 



By 
ERASTUS OSGOOD 

Author of "The Commodore," "The Harvest," "Tom's 
Money," "Standing Room Only," Etc. 



Copyright, 1919, by 
Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 



FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 

Successor to 
DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 Vesey Street New York 



/^j^ 



DR. UMPS 



CHARACTERS 

John Mardin A grouch 

Marjory A strategist 

Dr. Umps An experiment 

Gregory Small A success 

Time. — The Present. Locality. — ^Fairville, N. Y. 
Time of Playing. — About forty minutes. 

COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

As described at entrance of each character. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES 

"Watch, slippers and smoking- jacket for John. Hand- 
bag, atomizer, trick thermometer, saw, knives, a pair of 
forceps, vial and afghan for Dr. Umps. Revolver for 
Small. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audi- 
ence, D.R., signifies door right ; d.l., door left ; up, toward 
the rear of the stage ; down, toward the footlights. 



StP 2? !9I3 



Qci. 



52887 
/n4 ' 



DR. UMPS 



SCENE. — Home of the ^Iardins. Doors r. mid l. Win- 
dow in center of rear flat. Desk up r., on ivliich is 
a clock, hands pointing to five o'clock, writing-pad 
and pencils, envelopes and paper in pigeon-lioles. 
Box containing stamps. Sidehoard down r., on 
wJiicli is a decanter and red and green glasses. Easy- 
cliair R. Table c. Box of cigars. Sofa at l. Trick 
teleplione on hack ivaJl. Hat-tree. Screen. DIS- 
COVERED Marjory embroidering doily on lioop. 
She laughs quietly to herself. Glances up at clock. 
Rises, goes over and tur^is hands of clock back an 
liour. Then, as if seized with a sudden thought, 
takes from pigeo'n-hole in desk two envelopes, ad- 
dresses and stamps them. Again laughs. Goes back 
to seat and takes up fancy-work. 

ENTER D.L. John. He is a good-looking young man, 
dressed for street, hat, overcoat, gloves, etc. 

John. Hello ! Supper ' bout ready ? 

Marjory. Why, no, dear — not at this hour. 

John. What's the matter with the hour? (Consult- 
ing ivatch) It's — the fool thing has stopped. But it 
must be (Glanciyig at clock) Is it onlj^ four o'clock? 

Marjory. That little clock is generally reliable, dear. 

John. And I thought / was, — but I don't know. 
(Goes over and hangs top-coat and hat on tree. Throws 
himself in easy -chair r. J 

Marjory. Been working hard? 

John. Huh, huh. 

Marjory. I too have had a busy day, just sat down 

to put the finishing touches on this 

3 



j| Dr. Umps 

John (sneering). Dish-rag. Why you want to waste 
your time on such truck 

Marjory (resentfully). Why, John, it's a lovely doily 
I am working for mother. Isn't the pattern pretty? 
(Holds it up) 

John. Huh, huh. (Nasty laugli) You are always 
working something or somebody, and I am generally on 
the receiving end. 

Marjory (starting up indignantly). How can you be 
so horrid and cross. (Tlien drops into inock anxiety , 
sliakes Iter Jiead sadly) You can't be feeling well. (Half 
aside) It is as I feared. 

John. Holy smoke ! What 's the matter now ? That 's 
the second time to-day I 've been told, (Imitating snarly 
voice) ''You can't be feeling well." Old Bunker at 
the office began droning that line of talk. It gives me a 
pain. 

Marjory (goes over to desk, picks up pad, writes a 
line). I dare say Mr. Bunker is irritating at times, 
(Gravely) but doubtless sincere. (Siglis) 

John. Irritating! He gives me the horrors. (^Mar- 
jory writes on pad) He kept up his gabble all the time 
I was trying to balance my cash, till I got hot under the 
collar, f Marjory writes on pad) Then he switched off 
on, how valuable I was to the firm, 'nough to give me a 
swelled head. 

Marjory (writes on pad. Half aside). It is as I 
feared. (Siglis) 

John (jiettled). Say, what on earth are you mutter- 
ing about ? That 's twice you 've said : * ' It is as I feared. ' ' 
What is it you fear ? 

Marjory. For you, John dear, I am convinced you 
are not well, and have not been for some time. When 
we were first married you were so kind, so considerate. 
But of late! Ah, there has come a change in you. A 
restlessness. You are always on edge. You talk in your 
sleep, — when you do sleep, 

John (a trifle worried). Nonsense, I may — be — a lit- 
tle — nervous at times, but that's nothing. 

Marjory. Oh, yes it is, John. (Mournfidly) Ner- 



Dr. Umps 5 

vousness frequently leads to insanity. Oh, I know. It 
has been coming on gradually, till I could stand the 
strain, the uncertainty no longer, so to-day, — (Break in 
Iter voice) I consulted a physician, and she says I have 
grave cause for apprehension. 

John (much disturbed). A site doctor! You have 
been to some woman quack with your domestic troubles? 

Marjory. No, John, she is not a quack, though her 
maiden name was Drake. She is an old school friend of 
mine. She is now the celebrated Dr. Umps. Perhaps 
you have heard of her. She makes a business of nerves, 
and the harmonizing of husbands and wives who are — 
drifting — apart (Overcome) as we are. 

John. Drifting nothing. (With nervous laugli) I 
will admit— that perhaps I have not been feeling— at 
top speed of late 

Marjory. Ah, dear, I sec you do not realize your 
condition. But I do. (Goes over and puts Iter arm 
around liis neck) Poor John. Let me get you your 

slippers and jacket, so when Dr. Umps calls here 

(Going towards d.r.J 

John. Is that female pill-slinger coming here? To 
this house, to see me? 

Marjory. Yes, John. She may be here any minute. 

John. But I tell you I don't want her. I won't have 
her! And, besides, we can't afPord it! 

Marjory. Oh, yes we can, John. Her fee is gener- 
ally fifty dollars avisit, but being an old friend she has 
consented to come for three forty-nine. 

John. Say. I'm no remnant on a bargain counter! 
I believe she's a shine. 

Marjory (clasping Iter Jiands as sJie goes to door). Bo 
let me get your slippers! (Voice breaking) There- 
may come — a time — when — there will be — no — John. 

John. Oh, cut the sob stuff. (PusJies lier aside) I 
will get them. I haven't become so feeble I can't wait 
on myself. (Goes out d.r., slamming the door behind 
him. Marjory laughs to herself. Goes over to desk 
and takes letter's she stamped and addressed, and puts 
them in the pockets of John's overcoat hanging on tree. 



6 Dr. Umps 

Otlier business, arranging sofa pilloivs till John RE- 
ENTERS, in smoking -jacket and slippers) 

Marjory. Now yoii look more comfortable, dear. 
Come take this easy chair. (Placing lier liand on Ms 
liead) How feverish you are. 

John (provoked). I'm all right, and my head is as 
clear as a bell. 

Marjory (anxiously). Are yoii sure? Do you never 
have any lapses of memory? 

John. I can remember the day I was born. 

Marjory. I Avill put your memory to the test. Do 
3^ou recall posting the letters I gave you this morning? 

John. Sure. I dropped them into the box at the 
corner. 

Marjory. May I see? (Goes over to coat, and takes 
out letters) Oh, John, John, it is Avorse than I feared. 

John (glancing at letters, jumping up wildly). Now 

I can swear in any court in this country that I 

(Doorbell rings) 

Marjory. For pity' sake, calm yourself, John. It is 
probably Dr. Umps, I don't want her to find you in 
such a wild state of excitement. (^ENTER Dr. Umps. 
SJie is a large ivoman. Very professional in voice and 
Tnanner. Slie carries a hand bag. Pauses at door. Stares 
at John. Speaks in ominous voice) 

Dr. Umps. A clear case of bar-ce-lonum-ter-anum. 
(To MarjoryJ How are you, dear? (Glancing at Johnj 
Sad, very sad. 

John (excitedly). See here, Madam, I protest. My 
wife is laboring under the delusion that I 

Dr. Umps (ivlio lias taken an atomizer from bag, sprays 
Mm). Be calm. You are becoming hectic. 

John (trying to dodge spray). What on earth are 
you doing ? 

Dr. Umps. Disinfectant. Your malady is contagious. 

John (spluttering). I won't stand for such bunk. 
What kind of a fool do you think I am ? 

Dr. Umps. In a class by yourself. (To Marjory) 
Now, my dear, we must make a careful examination. 
(Takes off coat and rolls up sleeves of dress. Takes 



Dr. Umps y 

trick thermometer from, bag and goes over towards John. 
As she shakes if, it hisses, pops or flashes) Open your 
mouth ! 

John. I — refuse! I protest! Not on your life 

Dr. Umps (seizes him around neck. They struggle. 
Pushes him into chair, forces thermometer between lips. 
To Marjory;. Now dear, tell me the most pronounced 
symptoms. 

Marjory. I have set down those he has complained 
of to-day. (Reads from pad) "While at the office he was 
seized with pain. 

Dr. Umps (shakes her head). Bad. 

Marjory. While talking with a Mr. Bunker, he com- 
plained of horrors. 

Dr. Umps. Very bad. 

Marjory. Then, he suddenly became hot under the 
collar. 

Dr. Umps. The-rotus-grippino. A serious ease. 

Marjory. Then he mentioned a swelling of the head. 
(Frantic facial expressions from John) 

Dr. Umps. That is sufficient. It is worse than I 
feared. (Takes from bag a number of instruments — a 
saw, knives, a pair of forceps) Does he carry much in- 
surance ? 

Marjory (mock sadness). Yes, he has been very 
thoughtful in that respect. In — case — of my being — 
left — alone, I will be well provided for. 

Dr. Umps. That is fortunate, and a rich young widow 
is always in demand. (Arranging instruments on table) 
Has he any preference in flowers? (Testing knife 
blade) 

John (blowing thermometer from mouth). Yes, and 
they are Everlastings! See here, I don't propose to be 
panhandled into an early grassy mound. 

Dr. Umps. Look here, young man, you and I want 
to have a talk. 

John. You may, I don't. 

Dr. Umps (catcMng up knife). Then you prefer a©- 
tions to words ? 



8 Dr. Umps 

John. Both ! (Jumps up and makes a dasli for fele- 
plione) I'm going to call the police. 

Marjory (intercepts Mm). Calm yourself, John. Be 
reasonable and listen to Dr. Umps. 

John. And you said that woman was a Harmonizer! 
She 's a submarine, a U-boat ! 

Dr. Umps (toying ivitJi knife). And you are sure he 
has made his will? (John ivitli a yell breaks away from 
Marjory and reacJies teleplione. Mlien he takes cloivn 
receiver, tlie box opens, disclosing skull, or some startling 
effect. He almost collapses, staggers over and falls on 
sofa) 

Dr. Umps (draiving up cliair, sits beside liim). Now, 
young man, we will have our little talk. 

John (faintly). Go to it. 

Dr. Umps. Is not your wife's report correct? Didn't 
you complain of pain, horrors, heat under the collar and 
swelled head? 

John. Yes, but I can explain 

Dr. Umps I forbid it. No doctor ever allows a pa- 
tient to. You admit that you have been nervous of late, 
irritable and inconsiderate? 

John. No! (Tries to rise) I 

Dr. Umps (pushing him hack). I'm glad to know you 
do. You are too excited at present to talk or even think 
coherently. You need rest, (Rises) so I will prepare a 
sedative. It is perfectly harmless, and pleasant to take. 
(Takes a little vial from her hag and goes over to side- 
board) In some cases it has the effect of producing 
visions, and when in that pleasurable state the patient 
believes he is the possessor of great wealth. Again, that 
he is the husband or wife of some distinguished per- 
son. You will only sleep a short time. On awaking, 
you may feel a little faint. (Business of preparing 
glasses. Her back is to John; So I will fill both these 
glasses with wine. In the green glass I will drop the 
sedative. (But puts the sedative in red glass) In the 
red glass, just wine, which you are to take on waking. 

Marjory (who lias been watching the operation). 
Haven't you made a mis 



Dr. Umps g 

Dr. Umps (to Marjory ?n low tone). Shss. I know 
men better than you do. They are perverse. He will 
drink from the red glass, thinking to outwit us. (Com- 
ing over to John J Marjory and I will now retire for a 
short time to the other room. After taking the sedative, 
loosen your outer garments to give freedom to respira- 
tion. Place this screen in front of you to prevent drafts 
and cover yourself over with this afghan. Remember, 
the red glass the wine. (Business, tlien the ivomen EXIT 
D.R. John watches them out of the room, then removes 
collar, unbuttons vest. Goes over to sideboard. Takes 
up green glass. Holds it up, as if examining contents. 
Sets it down, puts hands together, rails up his eyes as 
much as to say. Heaven help me! Drinl's contents of 
glass. Brings down screen by sofa, yet so he can be seen 
by audience. Lies down, covers himself with afghan. 
Slight pause) 

ENTER D.L. G. Small. He is a small man, pompous in 
voice and manner. 

G. Small. Hem! (Looks around) Hem! (Goes 
over to sideboard and sniffs of decanter. Looks around 
to see if any one is looking. Helps himself to Bed glass 
of ivine. Takes cigar from box, lights it. At crack of 
match John looks over top of screen. Small helps him- 
self to second glass of wine. Holds it up as mucli as to 
say, "Here^s looking at you'') 

John (comes out from behind screen. Small turns 
and sees him). Taking a quiet little drink alone? 
That's nice. 

Small. This is Mr. Smivens, I presume? 

John. You have another guess coming. 

Small. Isn't this the Smivens' flat? 

John. No. It was mine before the U-boat captured it. 

Small (bewildered). I beg your pardon! 

John. You should, and I forgive you. 

Small. What for? 

John. For living. You see, my wife lifted the block- 
ade, and I am now interned. 

BmalIj (more bewildered). U-boat? blockade lifted? 
Has your wife left you ? 



lo Dr. Umps 

John. Temporarily. She is in the other room with a 
submarine. 

Small. In the other room with a— submarine? Oh, 
say, young man, you can't be feeling well. 

John (lialf aside). Now he's begun it. See here! 
I'm feeling perfectly well, never better. I'm neither 
suffering with bar-celona-teranum, nor the-roteus-grip- 
pino. And even if I were, I 'm chuck full of — saleratus, 
I mean sedative which the U-boat prescribed for me. 

Small. Saleratus prescribed by a U-boat? (Turns 
away, tapping liis foreliead) Sad, very sad. It is as I 
feared. 

John (i^i mocking voice). It is as I feared. Without 
indulging in any further personal remarks, I want to 
know who you are, and what you are doing in my apart- 
ments ? 

Small. Certainly, sir. Pray be seated. (TJiey sit) 
My name is Small. 

John. You look it. 

Small. I am rich and prosperous. 

John. You don 't look it. 

Small. And husband of the most beautiful woman in 
the world. 

John. Impossible. 

Small. Absolutely true. I am possessed of great 
wealth, and husband of a most distinguished wife. 

John (smiling). You tliink you are. 

Small. I know I am. 

John (jumps up. Goes over to sideboard. Sniffs at 
red ivine glass). Say, you have taken the sedative in- 
tended for me. 

Small. I've done what? 

John. That glass of wine you took was doped ! 

Small (starting up). Doped? 

John. Sure! That's the reason you think you are 
wealthy, and have a distinguished wife. 

Small. But I am rich, and have 

John. The willies. Consult a physician at once. 
(Pusliing liim towards door) 



Dr. Umps ii 

Small (verij angry). You— you— are insolent, sir! 
You— are a lunatic and I will notify the police ! 
John. Do so at once. Use my telephone. 
Small. By Jupiter, I will! (Picks up receiver. 
Something liappens. Small yells in fright) You are a 
scoundrel, sir ! We— will meet again. 
John. Not if I see you first. 

Small. We will see, sir. We will see. (EXIT d.l. in 
a rage. John roars with laughter, so as to attract atten- 
tion of ivomen in other room, ivho come rushing in d.r. j 
Marjory. What is it, John! Are you worse? 
Dr. Umps. You are supposed to be asleep. 
John (still laughing). Asleep me eye. The funniest 

little gink came in here. Ha, ha 

Dr. Umps (to Marjory;. He has been seenig things. 
All imagination. 

John. Imagination nothing. A short man with a 
voice like an umpire. 

Marjory. What did he want? 

Dr. Umps (registers anxiety). A— a— short man? Did 
— did he give his name? 

John. Sure he did. A— a— Little. Yes, that was it, 
but he was the biggest joke ever, or you must have made 
a mistake and put the dope in the red glass, and he 

drank it ! Ha, ha 

Marjory (to Dr. Umpsj. You know you told John to 
drink from the green glass. 

Dr. Umps. Yes, and that's just the reason I supposed 
he wouldn't. 

Marjory. But what did he want? 
John. Search me. Took me for a Mr. Smivens, 
pinched a drink or two and a cigar, no more than swal- 
lowed the dope than he began to give me a forkfull about 
his being wealthy, and husband of a distinguished wife, 
just as you said Z would. Ha! it was great to hear him 

rave. 

Marjory. Smivens? Why, that's the swell family who 

have just rented suite B. 

John. They'll think it's bumble-bee if he tumbles in 
on them. 



12 Dr. Umps 

Dr. Umps (evidently anxious). Did he say he would 
return? 

John. Oh, yes, he promised to return. His stage exit 
was a classic. (Mock tragedy) We — will — meet again ! 
Ha, ha! 

Marjory. He may return and do you bodily harm. 
(Alar^ned) 

Dr. Umps. We must prevent their meeting at any 
cost. (Begins to collect lier instymynents) 

Marjory (frightened). What are you doing? There 
must be no bloodshed ! 

Small (Jieard speaking outside). I tell you I will 
come in. I have been insulted. I want my wife! 

John. That's the umpire, all right. He's coming 
back. 

Marjory (in panic). Oh, John, John! Did you in- 
sult him, and have you seen his wife? 

John. Insult him, no ! I stood treat for two drinks 
and a cigar. 

Dr. Umps. See here, there's nothing like prepared- 
ness. We Avill place this screen right by this door. (Does 
so) I will hide behind it and when he enters smother 
him with this afghan. (Business of taking Tier place) 

Marjory. Oh, do be careful ! 

ENTER D.L. Small, roaring. 

Small. Now, then, I (Dr. Umps throws afgJian 

over Jiis head, trips him up, piles screen on top of him, 
and makes hurried EXIT l. When he has at last un- 
tangled himself) What is the meaning of this new out- 
rage? Who was it that knocked me down and ran out? 

John (who is quietly sitting with MarjoryJ. It was 
the Harmonizer. 

Small. I repeat, it's an outrage! 

John. That's what I say. What are you doing in 
my apartments? 

Small. I want my wife, and don't you begin again 
talking about U-boats 

John. And don 't you begin again talking about being 
rich and prosperous, and husband of a distinguished 
wife ! 



Dr. Umps 13 

Small. But I am rich, and it is my distinguished 
wife I am looking for. She was seen to come in here! 

Marjory. Permit me to assure you, sir, that no one 
has entered these apartments but the distinguished 
specialist, Dr. Umps. 

Small (in disgust). Doctor Umps! There couldn't 
be a woman by that name. There ain 't no such animal. 

John. That 's what I Ve been trying to tell you. She 's 
not a w^oman, she's a U-boat, a terror. Didn't she try 
to torpedo you? 

Small. You're a lunatic. I repeat, my wife is not 
only beautiful and distinguished, but her powers of in- 
vention and imagination are extraordinary. 

John. If they can beat yours, they must be. 

Small. Why, she has written five best sellers! 

John. Gee! She must be a warm baby. (Cat citing 
Jiold of Small's arm and dragging liim towards d.l.) 
Let me help you find her. 

Marjory. Jolin! I am shocked and surprised. 

John. Under what pen name does your wife write? 

Small. Her maiden name, Eleanor Reese. (A smoth- 
ered cry from Marjory J 

John. I thought he was going to say Glynn. Why, 
then she is the author of ''The Woman of* Fire," ''A 
Racy Courtship," and ''Three Days." Oh, say, your 
wife must be found. (Again starting towards d.l./ 

Marjory (mucli agitated) And your name is? 

Small. Small, Gregory Small. The husband of the 
most distinguished 

Marjory (half crying). Oh, Mr. Small, I fear a ter- 
rible mistake has been made! 

Small. I am beginning to think so myself. My wife 
left home this morning, first, to call on an old school 
friend who, as I understand it, is married to a miserable 
little cad, who tries to boss it over his young wife. I 
oelieve the two women had a plot hatched up to frighten 
the little shrimp husband into submission. Scare him 
about his health, fix his telephone, dope him with fake 
medicine, ha, ha! Then my wife was suddenly to ap- 



14 Dr. Umps 

pear on the scene as a nerve specialist! The biggest 
joke, ha, ha! 

John (business of heginning to catcli on). Oh, yes. 
So that was the bunk she gave you, was it ? Your wife 
has invention and imagination, all right. Now I will 
spill you the straight dope. I'm the little shrimp, and 
she came here to see me. Get that ? Hadn 't been in the 
house five minutes before she had her arm around my 
neck, mixed me a drink, then I must lie down on the sofa 
while she Jield my Jiand. No wonder she can write best- 
sellers. 

Small (getting excited). I — I — don't believe a word 
of it! (Turning to Marjory) Madam, is — is this true? 

Marjory (confused). Why — ^no — ah — ^yes. You see, 
she came here to prescribe for John. It — was — all a 
joke. 

John. Yes, a bully good joke. I should like such 
treatments every day. 

Small (wildly). Sir ! you are a scoundrel ! My wife 
adores me. Wouldn't look at any other man. 

John. Yes, she seemed to adore you when she gave 
you the foot, covered your dough-head with that afghan, 
piled the chairs and screen on top of you and made her 
get-away. You are quite right, it is the biggest joke of 
the season. Ha, ha ! 

Small (jumping up and down in rage). Then it's 
my Eleanor you have been calling a torpedo, a U-boat, a 
terror ! My distinguished wife ! I '11 show you ! (Draw- 
ing revolver) 

Dr. Umps (ivlio lias entered unnoticed, comes down). 
See here, Gregory, that will be about all of that. (Turn- 
ing to John) And as for you, you have been a petty 
tyrant to the sweetest little wife a man ever had, and if 
you don't promise to be a model of a husband for the 
future, I'll show you up in my next best-seller as the 
most despicable little cad ever known in fiction, and I'll 
draw the character so lifelike that all your friends will 
recognize the original. What do you say? (John 
meekly takes out wliite liandkercliief, holds it up by the 
corner as a flag of true) Good! Unconditional sur- 



Dr. Umps 15 

render. Shake. But you are a little run down, my 
boy, and I advise you and Marjorj^ to take a second 
honeymoon. Come, Gregory, I want you to meet some 
friends of mine, the Smivens. (Leading Mm towards 
door) Charming people, I assure you. 

Small. Certainly, my love. (Looking hack at John j 
What do you think noiv of my distinguished wife? 

John. I — guess — she — is all right. 

Small. You bet she is! 

[Tlie Smalls EXIT lauglmig and talking d.l. 

John (catches Marjory in liis arms). Marj., dear, 
I am afraid I have been something of a brute. But we '11 
start on a dandj^ little trip tomorrow. 

Marjory. John, you're a dear. 

John. And who do you think I 'm going to take along 
with us on this journey, and be with us every happy 
minute ? 

Marjory. Not Dr. Umps? (Laughing) 

John. No. 

Marjory. Who, then? 

John. Dan Cupid. 



CURTAIN 



WESTERN PLAYS 



KOOKY FORD 

Weaitrn Drama in Four Acts. Eight Males, Three Femalt. 

By Bueton L. Spiller 

Oae exterior, two interior scenes. A strong and stirring play fuM 

9t life and dramatic movement. Stage settings are very simple, 

BBd the climax artistically effective. Plays two hours. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

°~ THE STUBBOBN MOTOR CAR ' 

Western Comedy Drama in Three Acts. Seven Males, Four Femalea 
By Anthony E. Wills 
One interior scene. The motor car, not being seen. Is consequently 
unnecessary. The Interest in this play ig unflagging. All the char- 
acters are good ones and each one appears in every act. Plays two 
and a half hours. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

THE RED ROSETTE 

Western Drama in Three Acts. Six Males, Three Femalea 

By Gordon V. May 

Two Interior and one exterior scenes. The story Is full of interest, 

the incidents exciting, and the dialogue crisp. The play offers fine 

opportunities for character parts, and includes startling situations 

and a thrilling climax. Plays two hours. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

GOLDEN GULCH 

Western Drama in Three Acts. Eleven Males, Three Females 

By Charles Townsend 

One Interior and one exterior scene. The play combines wit, 

humor, sentiment, exciting situations, brisk movement, and good 

characters for all the participants. Plays two hours. 

PRICH 25 CENTS 

MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO 

Western Comedy Drama in Four Acts. Five Males, Three Female* 
By a. S. Richardson 
Two exterior and one interior scene. In " character " parts the 
piece is quite admirable, and all of these are skillfully contrasted. 
The climaxes are effective, and the stage pictures pretty. It will 
prove a drawing card. Plays two hours. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

THE SHERIFF OF TUCKAHOE 

Western Sketch in One Act. Three Males, One Female 

By Georgb M. Rosener 

One simple Interior scene. An intensely dramatic sketch of the 

tracing of a band of road-agents, one of whom is eventually captured 

by his half-brother, the sheriff, in the house of the mother. The 

mother's oleadings, unknown to her. Induce the sheriff to release 

the suspect, he taking his half-brother's place as the criminal. The 

circumstantial evidence fails to be convincing, and consequently the 

sheriff's self-sacrifice is not needed. All strong parts. Easily stageil. 

Highly recommended. Plays about one hour. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 



MILITARY PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

BY THE ENEMY'S HAND. 4 Acts; 2 hours lo' 4 

EDWARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2}4 hours 10 4 

PRISONER OF ANDERSONVILLE. 4 Acts; 214 hours.. 10 4 

CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; 1}^ hours 9 6 

ISABEL, THE PEARL OF CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours 9 3 

LITTLE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 4 4 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 2)^ hours 9 3 

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 8 8 



RURAL PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

MAN FROM MAINE. 6 Acts; 214 houra 9 

AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 3 Acts; 214 hours 8 

OAK FARM. 3 Acts; 21^ hours; 1 Stage Setting..... 7 

GREAT WINTERSON MINE. 8 Acts; 2 hours 6 

SQUIRE THOMPKINS' DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; 2)4 hours 5 

"WHEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 3Acts;2hours 4 

FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; Ihour... 6 

LETTER FROM HOME. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 25 minutes 1 



ENTERTAINMENTS 

25 CENTS EACH 

AUNT DINAH'S QUILTING PARTY. 1 Scene 5 11 

BACHELOR MAIDS' REUNION. 1 Scene 2 30 

IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; IJ^ hours 19 15 

JAPANESE WEDDING. 1 Scene; 1 hour 3 10 

MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE. 2 Acts; 2 liours 6 9 

OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; 1^ hours 4 4 

YE VILLAGE SKEWL OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 12 

FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 

JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 

CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes 15 14 

EASTER TIDINGS. 20 minutes 8 

BUNCH OF ROSES. (15 cents.) 1 Act; li^ hours 1 13 

OVER THE GARDEN IV ALL. (15 cents) 11 8 



FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 

SUCCESSOR TO 
DICK & FITZGERALD, 18 Vesey Street, N. Y. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

018 378 006 2 • 

COMEDIES AND DRAMAS 

25 CENTS EACH 

BREAKING HIS BONDS. 4 Acts; Shours 

BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. 3 Acts; 2^ hours 11 

COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stag« Setting 

COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 2i^ hours 

DEACON. 5 Acts; 2^ hours. 

DELEGATES FROM DEN'VER. 2 Acts ; 45 minutes S 10 

DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3Act8;2hour6 

EASTSIDERS, The. 8 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 

ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 6 Acts; 2 hours 

GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 8 Acts; 2^ hours 

GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2i^ hoars 

IN THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 8 Acts; IJ^ hours 

JAIL BIRD. 6 Acta; 21^ hours 

JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4Act8;2hours 

MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 2V^ hours 

MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2^ hours 13 

NEXT DOOR. 3 Acts; 2 hours 5 

PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 

REGULAR FLIRT. 3 Acts; 2 hours 

ROGUE'S LUCK. 3Act8;2hour8 5 

SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 5 Acts; 2]4 liours 6 

STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2)4 hours 5 

WHAT'S NEXT f 3 Acts; 2)4 hours 7 

WHITE LIE. 4 Acts; 2}^ hours 4 



WESTERN PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

ROCKY FORD. 4Act8;2hours 8 

GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 214 hours 11 

RED ROSETTE. 3Act8;2hour8 6 

MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours ... 5 
STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 
CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2i.| hours. 9 

FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATIOIf 

SUCCESSOR TO 
DICK 8b FITZGERALD, 18 Veaey Street, N. Y. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



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018 378 006 2 # 



